RESISTING DIVISION IN YOUR HOME (Part 2)

Picking up on yesterday’s posts, here’s a hot one: Division over how to RAISE THE KIDS.

Guys, this one can be so tough.  I know.  Married 29 years.  Raising four children together.  At times feeling like an absolute failure.  Raising kids is not for the faint of heart.  As hard as it is, allowing division over how to do it is a killer.  Disagreement on parenting can cause relationships to fail.  It starts early.  One parent may want to park the playpen in front of the television, while the other wants the direct involvement of reading or an outside activity.   One parent may believe that kids should run free in a highly unstructured environment, while the other favors a rigid schedule and strict discipline.  Still one parent may feel that there’s nothing wrong with dating at 16, while the other finds the idea unacceptable.  There are SO MANY things that we can disagree on as parents when it comes to raising children.  Whether your children are toddlers or teenagers, unresolved differences in our individual approaches to parenting can be nails in the coffin of our marriages.

What do we do?  We have to seek resolution.  We have to come into agreement on acceptable parameters.  What if one parent won’t budge on an issue?  We have to learn to pick our battles.  Pursue peace.  Assess how critical our position is in light of the harmony of our family.  Over the years, Leslie and I both have given A LOT OF GROUND to each other, to maintain peace.  And I’ll tell you this, at no time has coming into agreement been more important in our married life than it is right now.  Obviously, we love our children.  But 18, 17 and 15 under the same roof will TEST your resolve. I can honestly say that nothing in my life has been more emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually challenging than parenting multiple teens in the home.  But I believe with all my heart that PEACE in our home is an achievable goal, and that it is achievable through compromise.  Compromise isn’t failure.  It’s the key to peace.  Recorded in Amos 3:3, the Lord asks this question:  “Can two walk together unless they are agreed?”

Now, there may be some things you just can’t compromise on.  “Husband’s a drug addict, spends all the money, can’t keep a job, and beats me”.  If you’re in an abusive relationship you don’t need compromise.  You need to get out, get safe, and re-assess what’s best for you and the kids.  The baseline for determining when compromise may work to achieve peace is this: Are both parties capable of having a rational, productive discussion?  Drug or alcohol abuse may render one or both of the parties incapable of rational behavior.  You have to deal with that first, before you can agree on responsibilities in the home, or how you raise your kids.  But assuming for the moment that both of you are rationale, competent human beings (and this next part is supremely important) with Christ as the center of your own personal lives, then it’s time to let the PEACE TALKS begin!  It’s time to negotiate, not to “win”, but to achieve peace.  This is not about compromising your core beliefs.  This is about living in Christ.  With Christ as the center of your lives, “winning” an argument, or holding your ground are no longer important. 

Raising kids is the most difficult and challenging thing you and I will ever do.  I marvel at those who find the strength to do it alone as the head of single-parent families.  Truly they are heroic!  Here’s a scripture I turn to when it gets tough.  It encourages me to keep my focus on God’s wisdom and not my own, to seek peace and maintain it, and to trust God to bind up the places in me that hurt when I’ve failed my kids, or when they’ve failed me.

Come, my children, and listen to me, and I will teach you to fear the Lord.  Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous?  Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies!  Turn away from evil and do good.  Search for peace, and work to maintain it.  The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help.  But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth.  The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.  He rescues them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.  (Psalm 34:11-18, NLT)